New Year, New Age, New Prayer

Well here it is, 2010. Wow!

The New Year brought a new birthday, number 34. I spent the entire weekend before and several days after sick in bed. Great, what a way to start the year! But, in all my misery I was secretly rejoicing that it was just a cold...just a cold, not unexplained seizures, or heart problems, or some weird virus taking over my life. Just a cold, what a wonderful cold!

So while ringing in the new year and another birthday, this is what was on my mind. It was of how I'm going to take on the challenges that the new year presents. If anything that I learned last year, it's that I may not be able to control the bad things that happen in our lives, but I can control how I react to and deal with these things. Some say "Well gee you would figure she would already know that". And I do and I did, but living that truth is much different than knowing the truth.

Control....
That's almost the word that I used to use to describe myself. I liked to be in control...I would always volunteer, want to be the group leader, or do the task myself because I could control it. I could control how my husband did the laundry, how my toddler put away her toys, how my dishes were arranged and how my home was run. I was on top of it, in charge, in control and then...I wasn't. I lost control, my body wouldn't function the way I wanted it to and thereafter my home, my family, my life...I lost control. I think for the first few months that was my deep frustration, I couldn't control what was happening to me and no medical professional could figure out how to give me back that control I so desperately wanted.

Every time I thought that I had made a decision to help take back that control I was seeking, I was reminded that I wasn't in control. I blamed God, genetics, the environment, stress, anything and everything for making me sick. I was sick, lonely, lost and angry. And then something happened.... Right before I left for a hospital stay, a new friend and her husband reached out to me and prayed with me. They prayed and said something to me that I knew deep down in my heart but was too hurt to admit. "God doesn't punish and he wasn't making me sick". It was in the days after that while visiting a speciality hospital that I really thought about what he had said. I started thinking about those words, God loves me and doesn't want to see me hurt or sick. He has the power to heal and to heap on us blessings that we don't deserve, but he doesn't punish his children. And that marked the change, the change that shaped the rest of my year. I started to pray, really pray for the Power of God to Heal me, Healing, not control became my focus.

Blessings -
I began to search for those special blessings around me and found way more than I ever thought I had. I found solidarity, support and strength in my marriage and truly realized the love of a child for an imperfect parent. I found laughter and love in our little family even on my worst days. Those two people keep me sane, make me giggle and enrich my life everyday. And from there the blessings multiplied. I made new friends, real friends, real women, that care for me, support me and encourage me. And from that came new family friends, friends for Emma and now friends of friends. I made "scrapbooking" friends, silly friends, faithful friends, fun friends and friends that needed me. So many blessings in just one short year, blessings that came right when I need them.

Relationships -
Last year also marked what I would consider several turning points in my family and friend relationships. I have many "old friend" relationships that are now pretty much gone, when the going got tough and I needed help, some people didn't or couldn't answer the call. And I have had some family members do the same and it has changed my relationships there as well.

Through all of this came the answer to my prayer of healing.

Healing -
A "new" friend said something to me the other day that got me thinking about what we pray for and how prayers are answered.

My friend Vanessa is dealing with infertility and was telling me about how she had been praying and praying that God would bless her with the baby girl she so desperately wants. And how it was through the power of new friendships in her life that she found God had answered her prayer not yet with the baby she wanted but rather with what she needed.... the love and support of new "girl"friends to help her through a very rough time in her life.

I sat and thought about what Vanessa had said and about the prayers I had been asking God to hear. And I have to agree with her, that although I haven't yet found the medical healing I am looking for, what I received in bounty was personal healing in the form of new friends, closer family relationships and spiritual healing. I realize that my life is in his hands and I have to trust in him to lead me. My eyes have been opened to the true meaning of friendship and the true love of a family. I have seen my true friends rally to support me and love me for who I am. I've had friends and family send prayers and offers for every kind of small task imaginable. I've cried many a tear about how wonderful these people have been to me and how blessed I am to have them in my life.

So I did get the healing I prayed for and being the God that he is, he blessed me with exactly what I needed in my life. As I start 2010, my prayers are changing. I think that my New Year's resolution will be to not pray for things that I want, but rather to pray for God to touch my life and those around me with the blessings that we need. Because I'm not in control and that's okay with me because I know I am blessed with everything I need.